This is what it feels like in your head when you’re always afraid of running out of time, of things, essentials, what we need for basic survival.  We call the United States first world, land of plenty, but people hold on to things, money, chasing after stuff like there isn’t enough to go around.  This is how everyone feels sometimes and it’s one of the hardest fears to get past.  The more we think it, of course, the more we become it. It’s kind of where I am right now, trying to teach myself that whatever I need will be there and I don’t have to do it all alone.

Hello, my friend.
Share your mind
with me and
I share mine with you

Namaste.
I feel your tears
Rest with me
Awhile, let down
your walls. I know
where you’ve been
I’ve been there, too.

Namaste, friend
I need you now
Sit with me
share some tea
hold my hands.

Namaste, friend.
I see your smile
Share your joy

Namaste, I see You
You see Me.
You don’t need to take
I offer it
freely to you.
But I do ask
when you’re done
that you pass it on.

The world is an exciting, big, exhilarating place. There is so much to see, do, and learn, but no school, no job would expect me to go in knowing all there is to know.  What they want to know is, what can I do now and are you willing to work and learn more?  There is no timeline, no set deadline to my life that I know of, and I don’t think I’d want to know if there was one.  All I am expected to do right now is the best I can. I, as we all do, have a lot going for me already.

The sense of urgency I felt took all the fun out of it. It’s the same urgency I feel with a deadline looming at school, feeling overwhelmed by the size of it.  We are taught that when we set goals, we should also set a deadline to when they will be accomplished. That doesn’t mean that we should be so focused on the size of the goal when it needs to be done that we lose the excitement when we make even the smallest step forward, eating the proverbial elephant one bite at a time. Slow down, there’s no rush, enjoy the jog and buon apetito.

Since deciding to go back to school to pursue writing as a career, the one invasive thought I’ve had is, “Why? What’s wrong with what I’m doing now? Why do I need to go to school to do what I’m already doing?”  The fear is that learning and subjecting myself to constant criticism would actually take all the fun out of my passion for writing.  If nothing is wrong, why fix it?

The answer is that I’m not going back to school because there is something wrong with how I’m writing now; I’m going back to school to find out just how bright I can shine. Though to be honest, some (myself included) might find the latter even more terrifying. It goes back and shines a light of a different color on what I’ve said before: We don’t seek help because we are weak, we seek help to remember just how strong we are.  This is the whole idea behind continuing education: to keep growing and learning and stoke the fires of love, passion, and excitement.

All this came up yesterday with a visit to Barnes and Noble yesterday.  I was looking for a book on photography basics.  What I found was a case of too much information.  Frustrated, I thought, “Why am I going through all this?  I am having fun already exploring and learning as I go along.” I’ve also found the more I do and learn, the more I want to do and learn, someday upgrading to a DSLR camera.  I was worried, however that having to think about things like lighting, aperture, and composition would kinda take out my current method of thinking “Ooh pretty.” I was afraid of “paralysis from analysis,” that knowing more would be less fun.

As hard as change can be, the alternative is far worse: boredom, complacency.  To do the same thing over and over again, like running on a treadmill or riding a stationary bike, working but not getting anywhere, just doing something because that’s what we’re used to. It nearly spelled the end of my yoga practice and flute playing.  I wanted to try new things and challenge myself in different ways, to build on things I could already do (like playing from memory, or otherwise without sheet music).  It felt good to step outside my routine Sun Salutations and practice of scales and studies.  That was fun.

It’s really easy to fall into this trap when some of the highest paid professionals are the idealized examples of strength and athleticism.

What if the opposite were true? What if we did not seek help because we are weak, but to remember just how strong we are?

There was a lyric in a song by rock group Evanescence some years ago that said, “Don’t try to fix me I’m not broken.” The funny thing is, recently, I was in therapy to learn that very thing. After years of believing, “There must be something wrong with me,” (from past conditioning) I was there to learn that I am far stronger and more capable than I ever allowed myself to believe.

Nowhere was this mistake more exemplified than in my past jobs working with children, youth, and young adults with disabilities. My thinking, like so many others, was, “They are here because they could not perform in a regular education classroom.”

While this may have been, technically true, a greater truth would have been, “They are here to make the greatest use of what they CAN do.” The biggest difference is that the second statement shifts focus onto a person’s strength.

If you go through life looking for problems to fix or solve, that’s exactly what you are going to find. When you go around treating people like problems, or expecting something about a person is broken, that’s all you are going to see. Chances are pretty good you are not going to see the street-wise young man who has a real knack for caring for plants.

I won’t see the young woman who has a knack for tuning into what people or animals are thinking and feeling. I might instead feel stressed out, overwhelmed and think of it as a burden, a “problem,” instead of a gift.

One day recently, I asked for a miracle, the answer came back, “Dear Child, you ARE that miracle.” What if we all looked at ourselves as that miracle instead of seeing problems? I’m not here to “fix” anyone because people are not “broken.”

This morning as I was practicing yoga, two thoughts came to me, first that even for the very short time that my comment was there, I had done my part, I had spoken my truth.  Second, that if someone else had taken offense to it, that is that person’s responsibility, not mine.

Too often, I hold back on stating an opinion for fear of someone taking offense or hurting someone’s feelings when I say, “no.”  It’s a common thing, really, we are taught to be kind, accommodating, and that another person’s opinion of us suffers if we set boundaries, as if it matters.  What I, what we all need to learn is that it’s okay to tell people “no, I’m not comfortable.” Even as I’m typing this, I’m having doubts about how people will react to it. It’s really a matter of projecting my own doubts onto others, and a reflection of me, not them.

Another example is that recently I decided to change careers, but in the process I decided that I no longer wanted to work with children, not because I don’t like children, but because I often find it exhausting and overwhelming.  It takes a lot to say this, and I still need to have faith in my decision to build on skills and talents I possess in other areas (ie writing and photography).  It is hard, but the thought that came to me, the mantra/affirmation that went through my head was, “I have faith in myself and in my truth.”

It will be a long road and a bit of a change, but I do have something to build upon and this is something I’ve wanted for a long time, to pursue my writing. I enjoyed the people I met while working with children but wasn’t comfortable there. Whether people believe this is irrelevant, I know it, and that’s what counts.

There is so much more I wish I’d said to you, so here it is:

Nobody made you do anything, you were always free to say, “No, I’m not comfortable.” If you hadn’t been there to help, somebody else would have.

The world is full of people more than ready, willing, and happy to help. All you have to do is ask.

“If the only birds that sing were the ones with the prettiest songs, the world would be a much quieter place.” We don’t do things because we might be the best at them, we do them because we WANT to, because we enjoy them and we want to share that joy with others.  And others will always be there to support and uplift us in our efforts.

It is not your job to tell me what I want or how I should feel about something.  My life is my own, and I will determine what I want from it.

My perception of what talents I may or may not have is also my own. It is nobody else’s place to tell me what they are or to judge me if I disagree with their assessment.  All a real friend needs to do is support me.  If I am wrong, then give me the right to be wrong and I will grant you the same.

All anyone needs to do is to support each other and live their own lives the best they can.

If I decide that a relationship is no longer healthy, I have the right to say, “Good luck, and good-bye.”  I wish you the best.

Good-bye.

Gina